I have tried to pretend for a long time that you never existed in my life.
Not to say it honestly worked.
I’ve thought about you more times than I’d care to admit.
Sometimes something as simple as a song or an inside joke
was enough to keep me on edge.
Some days your name was the only thing repeating itself inside my brain,
the reason never making itself known.
Sometimes I would reach out to you,
some days I would stubbornly refuse to acknowledge you were happening.
You have been a significant part of my life far too long
why shouldn’t I even entertain the thought of you?
I know that it doesn’t make sense to think about you
And I have repeated this to myself hundreds of times,
I have spent so long trying to force even the thought of you
from my mind, your voice from my memory,
the feeling you would stir inside of me from my bones.
I have spent so much time trying to convince myself that
you didn’t matter to me,
that you didn’t impact me,
that we don’t share anything of significance.
Yet the truth is,
I know you will always hold a part of me,
whether I like it or not.
I also know that you most likely don’t think of me
The parts of me you hold may not even be apparent to you
things you’ve stored away like boxes in an attic,
existing but collecting dust in a corner you rarely visit.
I don’t hold any expectations for you to wrestle with our memories
If I am the only person who manages to keep us alive,
I accept that
I think it’s finally time that I openly admit to myself
that I can no longer pretend that you never made an impact on me.
I still crave,
Yet that’s not how things turned out
And I’m okay with that,
I’ve made peace with the thought
that you will always be part of my memories
and my stories for the rest of my days
and that this doesn’t have to be a bad thing.
Maybe one day,
I won’t even find myself thinking about it as much anymore
And when those memories do reappear,
I’ll find myself happy to know
I cared for that part of myself that found a way to remain
Truthfully, when it’s all said and done,
I can be okay with you remaining here