90099131_206002903983493_9094423520762396672_nAmy Winehouse famously sang, “Love is a losing game”, and she didn’t even have Grindr. With an interest in casual sex and random encounters at an all-time peak, and a dwindling social scene those words have never been truer. Sure, there’s still a large portion of us craving love in a more traditional sense, but with the influx of apps, even we’re being pressured into partaking just in the hope of a rare connection, while the industry capitalises on our natural urge for sex, by playing off our Achilles heel: laziness.

But HEY, if you can’t beat ’em – join ’em; even if you decide that you’ll utilise the apps for sex until someone more meaningful comes along. So here’s a few tips to help you along the way…

Rotate your apps

Different apps breed different men, and variety is the spice of (your sex) life. So it’s always a good idea to have more than one on the go (app, and man). Personally, I hate my face being on more than one app – it screams desperation – so I tend to use one for a bit, delete it, download a different one. You can only ignore a certain amount of messages from the local gremlins, after all.

Cater your apps to your needs

Don’t use Scruff and then complain that everyone wants to fuck in a sling while you stroke their beard. If you want something more long-term, opt for Bumble or Tinder. If you want a friend with benefits, use  Grindr or Hornet. If you’re a cunt that believes in fate via an app, download Happn. If you want “cuddles”, get in the fucking sea. See where I’m going with this?

Turn your apps on when travelling

A lot of us wouldn’t even think to turn our apps on in another area if we’re just passing through fleetingly, but even if you just turn it on and then close the app, it registers you as online and gives other users in that area a chance to message you. Obviously, it’s a bit pointless if it’s miles away from where you live and you’re not intending to be back in that area (or aren’t hanging around long enough for a hook-up). But it’s good for meeting men that aren’t miles away, but aren’t close enough to appear on your screen. Turn it on during a train ride and it’s like letting out a fishing net for dick. Just make sure you got that sound turned down, nothing like a Grindr chime to bait you out.

Dedicate time to it

As much as it pains me to say it, dating is like a part-time job. You get out, what you put in. Sure, you may believe that “love will happen when it’s right”, and I hope you like cats. Of course, elements of love depend on fate, but not without a push from you. Use your apps on your lunch break, spare two hours of your Sunday for that date you’ve been talking about for a while; the more men you meet, the more likely you are to meet the right one. You can’t sift through that swamp of frogs if you don’t put on your wellies and get stuck in.

Use the location services

Some of us have the burden of living in a field of slim pickings. As a rule of thumb, it gets gradually worse from the centre of the city outwards. It’s bad enough being borderline zone 3/4 in London, I can’t even imagine the the states that lurk on the apps in the less built-up cities. *Shudder*. Fortunately, apps such as Hornet let you cruise areas that you’re not in yet – which is cool if you’re travelling abroad (kick start that holiday romance) – but it also works for browsing boys that aren’t too far afield, but just don’t show up on your screen because you don’t pay their monthly membership fee. I want love as much as the next person, but refuse to pay someone to see more hoes on my smartphone.

Block the Riff-Raff 

Some apps have “only display those with a pic” options – check it. Ain’t nobody got time to be conversing with a field or a sunset. As pretty as they are they’re not gonna get you off, let alone take you for dinner. On other apps, blocking people you aren’t interested in frees up space on your screen for more suitable suitors.

Translate apps to actions as quickly as possible

Apps have a notorious rep for killing conversations quickly, and potential romances fizzle out. As if it wasn’t enough of a struggle to get some decent conversation out of a man in real life, you’re now conversing in an instantaneous world where dick pics serve as an introduction. But if you think, everytime that man wants to message you or hear from you, he has to enter a sea of thirsty bitches, and so it’s easy to get distracted. So move your conversation from the app to text or Whatsapp as soon as possible. Similarly, you should move it from there to a date fairly rapidly too – apps misconstrue people and compress their personality – so it’s always best to meet them in 3D for accurate judgement.


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