🤔 ¿HOW DO YOU RESPOND WHEN A FRIEND IS ACCUSED OF BEING A RAPIST OR SEXUAL PREDATOR?👂🏽

IMG_3045Sexual consent has been a topic that’s been increasingly visible in the news and in the social consciousness. It’s not, of course, that sexual assault has suddenly become more of an issue — rather, we are seeing a rise in victims feeling safe enough to speak out publicly on a scale they never have before. With more survivors speaking out, we’re seeing an expectation for accountability also emerging… but there’s not a lot of information on how to make that happen.

The thing is, sexual abusers tend to surround themselves with people who will apologize for them, who will cover for them, who will defend them. They require camouflage in the form of a group of people who will confirm that the abuser is “such a nice guy.” It’s how they can repeatedly get away with violating boundaries and how they can escape being outed or banished. It’s how they ensure their victims won’t be believed.

You know that you don’t want to enable rapists or other abusers, but you’re not entirely sure how to react ethically when someone you’re close to is accused of these behaviors. If you’re confused about next steps — knowing you should take some but unsure what they should be, what do you do when your friend is called out for his aggressive behavior by other men? 

One Comment Add yours

  1. nubianikigai says:

    This is indeed a sensitive and touchy subject. If we were to begin to decifer all the codes of do’s and don’ts we would need at least another decade.
    A personal friend of mine confided in me about the state of his relationship. He didn’t know why his partner was becoming more and more distant, he didn’t know where or what he himself was doing wrong. So we started talking and at one point I said “you’re raping your partner”.

    I began explaining why. I was able to see the tell tale signs because I myself have been in a similar situation. Now of course rape is a strong word, but its also a beautiful word as it’s the perfect way to explain and vividly tell someone that “you’re taking something which is mine without my consent or “you’re destroying everything good thats within me”

    Now I am not making an apologia for violent acts of rape but sometimes, as with my dear friend, people are doing things and acting to the “best of their knowledge” and I for one do know how limited our knowledge about sex and sexuality is! I believe that we are, nowadays trying to make up for the paucity or may I say total absence of honesty and openness which was the heritage of most of our upbringing and hallmark of the puritantist society in whch many of the previous generations grew up in and are still being governed by in some way or another.
    The way I see it, is that the pendulum is swinging in the other direction. In the past we all lived by the adage “suffer in silence”, many men and women and may I say men have been victims of so many injustices but simply suffered in silence. Now here comes the amazing word “consent”.
    No-one knows what it means. If we’re in a ralationship, do I need consent to have sex with my partener? My parents or grandparents would probable think that we’ve become way too sensitive, but consent is amazing: Consent provides a framework of safety for all sexes. Consent allows me to feel safe enough to say, “I’m not ready” “I’m not sure I want to do this” or “not tonight” the other magic word is respect….yes!, the late great Aretha Franklin sung it best:
    R-E-S-P-E-C-T
    Respect in a relationship means that you wont have sex with me tonight and then treat me like shit the next day. That’s a form of emotional rape. Why? because the person whom you made love to, feels used, abused and confused. In their minds they’re thinking ” if I’m so stupid, then why does he keep having sex with me?” which, by the way, is a very good question that nobody asks but the body is feeling.

    So in conclusion, there are criminal rapists among us who should be dealth with in the most appropriate way possible, howere, their is another category of rape that I’d be more careful to analyse before blowing the whistle. As in my view we’ve all been victims of this silent crime in some way or another

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s