I’m not brave enough to show my face or reveal my name but I’m brave enough to speak up about something I live every day to try to fix, even though it’s too late. I had a bestfriend who turned out to be gay. At that time in the 80s, gay meant that he was a predator. Gay meant that he just wanted to get in my pants and that he’d have no respect for my standards. In those days, we were taught to fear gay people and I was definitely afraid.

So, I disowned him and tossed his friendship into the garbage. Denying his friendship wasn’t enough, though. I lied about him…I told stories about what he said he wanted and how I had to fight him to keep him away from me. None of that was true. I heard, a few years later that he killed himself.

If he were alive today, I’d tell him how wrong and sorry I was and am. To this day, I don’t really know why he killed himself. But, to show that there really is justice in this world, my son has just told me that he’s gay and all the old ghosts have come up again.

I will not disown him and I’ll never throw him away…he’s my son and I love him more than anything. But, it just goes to show that old sins sometimes come home to haunt. I pray every day that my old companion will somehow forgive me even though I know I don’t deserve it. I now live every day watching out for people when they’re being mistreated for who they are. The old fears and prejudices are gone…

I still have my standards. But I also know that I have a responsibility to uphold standards of kindness and tolerance for everyone, even though that’s not easy sometimes…and I’m going to carry that with me for the rest of my life.’

Do you think there’s real redemption for people like me?

Have you ever been in this situation?

What are your thoughts?

What advice would you give this person?

One Comment Add yours

  1. nubianikigai says:

    Dear Writer.
    Thank you for expressing your hurt and regret. Its very noble of you to admit you’ve made mistake. That in itself is very commendable.

    I’m writing from the persepctive of someone who is queer and know what its like to be made fun of and rejected by peers.

    I suffered from those stigmas, where people think that being gay means your a childmolester, you are a pervert, you want to get into every guys pants.

    You can start by just forgiving yourself. We all make mistakes and yes, I too grew up in the 80’s and 90’s where mentalities were far different from what they are today. You were just as much a victim as your friend was.

    What’s sad, or the saddest part is that many people, including partents of queer kids thought that by sending their kids to camps, or having an exorcism done or beating up on them, they were doing justice or a favor to queer kids. They thought they were helping us. How many moms and dads thought that If their gays sons or daughters had intercouse with sopmeon of the opposite sex that this would cure them of their homosexuality.

    Move forward my friend. Learn from your mistakes and let your friends death serve as fuel to your fire.

    All the best to you and your family.


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