If someone had told me that a year ago,
I would have been thoroughly convinced that our time wasn’t up yet.
I would have been deluded about how toxic you were to me
And believed all that you did were for my own good.
I would have argued and fought with anyone that tried to tell me that I deserved better.
Because I simply didn’t believe so.
It’s funny yet scary how my mind worked.
How stubbornly I can cling onto illusion and started thinking it was real.
How I can completely be in denial mode of what was happening.
Maybe it was the history of how things worked for me.
Maybe it was because of my insecurities that deep down;
I was a very wrecked and foolish person.
Maybe you are attracted to your darkness and chaos in me.
Maybe it was easier to pretend that this working out in my favour.
Maybe it was less scary to be in deluded than to be in pain again.
I thought that I was the ideal person in your mind
And I harboured desperate hopes that one day, you would change and loved me.
I kept trying until one day, you crossed the line and something in me snapped.
I couldn’t take it anymore.
I couldn’t turn a blind eye to how toxic you were and how my sanity was slipping away.
I couldn’t go on a day without dreaming of breaking free from you and walking away.
Thinking back, I was in awe by the amount of effort I put in to try and prolong our separation.
I have hated you to the best of my ability,
To the depth of my heart,
And I swore until my last breath that I won’t die each time you broke my trust
And disregarded my worth.
I have lost you each time you gave me glimpses of what I thought was the real
Only to be thrust back to reality the next day when you became even more aloof.
I have lost you each time I was deathly afraid of you coming back.
Letting you go is one of the easiest things I’ve done.
It’s not just releasing your hold on me or removing you from my life.
It’s the idea that what you didn’t see me was killing me.
The hopes and dreams of the future.
The memories of what we used to have.
The brutal truth that we’re better off without each other.